Warning: This article includes references to suicide and suicidal thoughts that may be upsetting to some readers. If you or one of your loved ones are experiencing a mental health emergency or crisis, the following resources are available to support you.
- Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988
- NAMI HelpLine 1-800-950-6264 or info@nami.org Mon-Fri 10am-6pm EST
- Crisis SMS Service: Text “NAMI” to 741-741
By Anton Clark
Ending the Silence Story: Betrayed, Mentally Abused, and Abandoned
My name is Anton Clark and this is my story. I was raised in Inkster, Michigan, not far from Detroit. I am an identical twin. I was raised in a two-parent home, a loving home made of a total of seven. My mom and dad are still together today.
While growing up I felt the love of the home but my family suffered from mental illness of different kinds, and I have suffered since childhood but was diagnosed in 2002, starting therapy at that time after being hospitalized. I was sent to Community Mental Health in Ypsilanti, Michigan for treatment. I was diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar, and Anxiety.
I suffer and struggle every day with mental illness. I have flashbacks of trauma, sleepless nights of ten minutes of rest and then I am up until my eyes close for another twenty minutes. My sleep is broken up, leaving me exhausted for the day. Added to that, I now suffer physically in pain all over my body, which was not a huge problem when I got diagnosed with mental illness at 31 years of age. Now, I suffer mental and physical pain together and it hurts!
My life has been affected in so many ways. I’m frustrated that I have to get dressed the night before because it takes me all day to get dressed, especially if I need to wear a suit. After my traumatic experience I no longer multi-task, which I was able to do in my younger years. When I left home and started my own family, I was introduced to a world of cruelty, hate, injustice, prejudice, selfishness–a world of less love than I experienced growing up while dealing with mental illness, the support of my family gone.
I just don’t have the coping skills to stay positive it seems, but I have the compassion, love, peace, empathy–the patience that many in the United States seem to lack. I’m scared of life, and, as a result, I contemplate suicide from time to time, in which I have a plan in place should I hit the lowest point again.
I have been hospitalized several times because of those low points. I try to stay engaged with the realization that I need help, and so I keep in touch with my caseworker at CMH. I ask for therapy, and I have attended the men’s trauma group for months for support with my fellow men attendees. I try and create my own support group that I turn to, which is part of my plan.
I fight against my own mind every single day, with the goal not to go back to my lowest point–suicide (hurting myself). I have struggled with wanting to care for myself through the years. I stopped brushing my teeth, bathing, seeing the dentist and doctor, but I have been working on these things in the present moment: I try to pamper myself, buy myself gifts, take and enjoy a warm bath.
It’s hard–I feel alone despite my support group at times, and other times I suffer from seasonal depression and loneliness. At present, I am often bullied, lied about, looked down on. I am dealing with injustice and jealousy. Despite all this I have completed the Speaker’s Bureau training at Washtenaw County Community Mental Health, I’ve attended the NAMI Peer-to-Peer education class, and I am on the Advisory Council for WCCMH. Additionally, I am involved in some volunteer work with a non-profit that has allowed me a space to work on my goals, which include becoming an inspired writer and speaker of my story.
Getting involved in the community has helped me connect with different people to see some of my goals realized, putting myself in position to use my pain (my story) to help others and help myself see that I am not the only one going through mental illness.
Along the way, I have been criticized, ridiculed, made fun of, and highly disrespected because of my character, and my disability (my mental illness). I want it to stop immediately. I have not been considered for positions, overlooked, with a bunch of excuses (Why!)–that’s discrimination and it makes me feel a certain kind of way: worried, scared, and disappointed.
I now live in Ypsilanti, Michigan, still seeking and receiving help for mental illness and trauma that I experience every day. My goal is to become an author, and a speaker of my experience. My biggest goals are to continue to fight this disease (mental and physical health)–this needs to be my biggest priority.
What advice would I give to my younger self? The answer would be to continue to ask for help, stay humble, and be patient with recovery. Sometimes it is like a slow leaking faucet (Drip, Drip, Drip). Stay humble and patient. Keep your support group together. Protect your mind. Somehow, stay prayerful, listen to the stories of others, and when I can try to help others, become an example to them. Try to find a treatment plan that fits you and your experience and circumstances. Be patient with yourself. Don’t allow others to rush your recovery.
I have had the privilege of writing two Advisory Council Fall newsletters – 2022 and 2023. In 2022 the theme: The Power of a Smile, and 2023: Rise Up! Get Up! Stand Up!
The Advisory Council 2022 Fall Newsletter–The Power of a Smile
Today, good or bad, a smile will stay. A smile makes me attractive, and that’s how I choose to live. I smile when I feel pressed. I tell myself, “I would rather smile than feel stressed.”
Smiling relieves stress and it sets me apart from the rest. The society we live in today encourages us to frown rather than smile. A smile is advantageous, it touches your heart and mine, and that is where it starts. A beautiful smile changes the mood of the environment. A smile can change mothers, brothers, and most important, others! That is the power of your smile.
The power of your smile helps you from looking overwhelmed, tired or worn down; it’s much better than those who make it a habit to frown. Frowns and grimaces push people away. “Over here, over there,” they would rather say. But a smile draws them in. If you are absent one day, you will be missed upon your return.
Your environment wants to know where you have been. The power, the beauty of your genuine smile–when people remember you or someone mentions your name, your smile is your fame.
How sweet that would be if it is the beauty of your smile they find is the first thing that comes to their mind.
Advisory Council Fall 2023 Newsletter–Rise Up! Get Up! Head Up! Stand Up!
Do not allow yourself to be infected, if you feel unworthy–Rise Up! Allow the world to hear your story, not defeated…Get Up! The naysayers want you to remain seated…you’re beautiful! Head Up!
Scrapes, scratches, bruises, nicks you have endured, the ones who should’ve had your back…you’ve survived their licks! Disrespected, discouraged, but determined…Head up!
You tripped me up, twisted my ankle, what’s up? GET UP, STAND UP! A genuine hug is a pill. Kiss on the forehead…rise up! It was you that threw the first stone. All accounted for, you didn’t break a bone, just a little sore…Stand up! Mr. or Ms. Disrespected…Get Up! Head up! Broken hearted feeling all alone…Rise!
Someone smeared your name, never the same, ignore the lies…Head up! Being strong is not wrong. Hold on for however long! Your storm may not always be the norm…stand up! Those who suffer from low self-esteem it seems. HEAD UP!
Psychiatrist…Gist! In Washtenaw County there is a long list. Despite that, continue to stand in line, we insist! Life can be unfair at times, but try to still make time for you (self-care). Anxiety runs rampant throughout today’s society…Rise up! GET UP! Head up! Stand up!
Anton Clark is a writer and poet. His story and poems have appeared previously in the Fresh Start Clubhouse newsletter, and he recently read some of his work at a police academy training at Washtenaw Community College. Anton has taken the NAMI Peer-to-Peer class and is committed to helping others with love and compassion as they travel their recovery journeys.