By Trevor McCauley
Living with a mental illness is probably one of the most humbling and trying experiences one can go through. It can seem like everyone around you has no problem reacting with empathy to someone with a physical ailment, but when they know you are dealing with mental health issues, the reactions you get are, at best, checkered. It can be so hard then to find people in your life who just get it.
I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have had to make a “comeback” after being diagnosed. Whether it was getting back to a medication regimen, crawling back to work, getting back in the classroom, or just having the guts to be visible in your own neighborhood or hang out with friends again, these comebacks can be filled with anxiety and terror. And in my experience, it can feel very hard to communicate that responsibly to those close to you.
I found that there is so much resistance you have to pull through just to tread water emotionally in those early months and years. Sometimes the process of rebuilding is something painful we try every day. Thankfully, it does get easier. But at the same time, it is hard when life is back to square one, when you are away from friends, school, or the job you used to be able to handle. You just want things to be routine, but having a mental illness shatters that reality for the time being.
It’s not that you have to lower your expectations to find a new routine. It’s just that you might have to adjust to medications that make you too tired, too hungry or too irritable. Or your sleep schedule might be thrown out of kilter, as it takes time to figure out what your medications are doing, and to find the right dosage. And for some of us, we have to make these adjustments on the fly because of work or school.
It took me almost two years to get the right living adjustments, (sleeping, eating, exercise), the workload, and the medications all down before I could handle the life I had previous to diagnosis and treatment. Prior to figuring it out, everything was so simple, so basic, so survival mode. My world stopped as I had to make my life and my treatment get along with each other.
Crucial to my success was the fact I had a definable long term goal. For me, getting back to the university was motivation enough to stick with the grueling treatment and therapy. Having a significant enough goal made it easier to go through a very hit and miss process of treatment and to adjust to treatment. Loved ones’ goals or expectations can be fine, but in my experience, other people’s motivations were not enough to see me through the process until I had goals of my own.
I want to encourage you: You will get through what you are dealing with now. And it’s OK if you don’t have a goal or a vision for what two months looks like. It’s OK to just start with tomorrow. I’ve found that no matter what you may have lost, no matter how many times you have to start over, you can. And the life you want on the other side of your current struggle is attainable, even if you feel stuck in the cycle of trying to make a “comeback.” I wish you the greatest of success in your journey.
Trevor was born and raised in the Metro Detroit area. He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder during his first semester at the University of Michigan. After the diagnosis, Trevor began the journey of rebuilding his life and identity from the ground up. That process, he freely admits, is still ongoing. Trevor returned to the University of Michigan in the fall of 2001, and completed a bachelor’s degree in 2004 from the School of Natural Resources and the Environment. Now, he continues to pursue many creative outlets including blogging, creative writing, photography, music, and fine art amongst others. He currently lives in Northern Michigan with his wife and two children.